100 Subscribers!!

Many thanks to all who subscribe and those who read

I’m not editing this haha so enjoy this stream of consciousness without concern for accessibility.

I appreciate every single subscriber and want to say thanks. Thanks if you subscribe and read, thanks if you subscribe and don’t read. Of course, I’d prefer you read but not out of selfish ambition. Though I do wonder what kind of thoughts my writing inspires in others… But I hope people read because I think my writing could inspire their own thoughts. My thoughts, shown authentically and in public, can inspire thoughts in others.

At one point, I sought to share my writing to change the world. But now I only seek to share, realizing that any change that occurs has nothing to do with me. Or only has to do with my own exploration of life on a personal level, one that might inspire others to explore their own life, spirit, and thoughts for themselves. But it is not because of me, it only appears that way. Many people will read my writing and feel nothing, think nothing, explore nothing. If someone feels as a result of my writing, it is solely because I felt something while writing it and they were in such a place to receive that feeling. I didn’t put them in the place to receive my feelings, they did. They were open to my feelings, they were open to the possibility that they could be inspired. It is the fact that they have not hardened their heart to the perspective of others that elicits a personal change within them. I have no control over them, just as others have no control over me. Unless I position myself in such a way, I can receive life’s wisdom no matter what form it appears in, if I don’t open my heart to life, to change, to personal growth, then it doesn’t matter what I come into contact with. It will find no home in my heart. The seed won’t make it’s way into my soil. The potential water of truth will miss the potentially fertile ground of my consciousness.

So I’m thankful for all of my subscribers, and their willingness to watch me unravel myself. Who can read my words, my attempts to explain, my opinions, my research, my facts, and think they’re worth something. I know they’re worth something, even if no one else says so, or likes them, or comments on them, or shares them, but, when you’re not attached to outside validation, it makes it all the nicer when you receive it.

And I do find myself noticing this habitual attachment to recognition from others though. Wondering why my writing isn’t more popular, blah blah blah, a lot of BS that society tells you to value, but ultimately I do not. At least not intellectually or when I’m conscious. But unconsciously, sometimes the bad habit of seeking confirmation of my worth through others attention pops up. With questions of “is my writing good? is it worth posting? does it inspire people? is it thought provoking?”. But those questions are nonsensical in determining the worth of my writing, because this is an art, and all art is a personal endeavor in my eyes. An exploration of self someone decides to make public or not, but art’s worth is in the eye of the beholder, and we are here to behold our own creations, not to wait on someone else’s vision to confirm what we are supposed to know. Which is the exploration of ourselves, the love of our own process and knowledge that we and our lives are worth giving attention to, worth witnessing and being mindful of, is how we are meant to live. How we are meant to regard our life in the face of the universe, God, whatever you decide to refer to the higher power as.

What the fuck am I even talking about….? Hahaha Oh well. I enjoyed the process of it. Which is something I aim to do more. Embrace the enjoyment of writing, without trying to change the world, without trying to change anyone or anything, but knowing that it changes me. That it’s an attempt to record the changes in me, to make sense of the changes in the world. With “the” world , really being “my” world, as it relates to my sense impressions and the like. And here we come again to the limit of words. Maybe I will start a podcast, because the energy of spoken word carries so much weight. I feel they are easier to understand on some level as well. But maybe the written word is more powerful in revealing someone to themselves, because they will put their own tint on the words. They will place the necessary energy for revealing their biases and consciousness on the words they read. Why different people can see characters differently. Why different voice actors use different voices for the same characters. Revealing their interpretation of who someone is. And the written word can reveal someone to themself, provided they are mindful. If they can observe how their biases and habits color everything they contact through their 5 senses, and whether they can cultivate the mindfulness of their own body, mind, and spirit in the present moment so they can build and use their 6th sense, the ability to feel energy.

So this is why I edit my writing before I release it, because I write huge blocks of words that jump from topic to topic, that smoothly transition in my eyes, but upon second reading, I think “OBviously there’s a gap there , but it makes sense to me given what I hold to be true and have come into contact with. But someone who’s lived a different life than me might need some more context.” And then I do what feels right to aid clarity. Because even though my writing is strictly for me, it’s also for my imaginary audience, those people who are open to my perspective, open enough that maybe they can receive something worthwhile from my musings and attempts to make sense of a life that is ultimately, nonsensical in the most amazing of ways.

But thanks a lot for subscribing, tell your friends, read my work, and I will continue to release writing I think is thought provoking, because it provokes thoughts from me. Hopefully in you as well, but that’s completely up to you. I’ll continue to share, thanks for choosing to be shared with, and I wish both of us the best moving forward. An appreciation and love for life that society tries to steal from us, but why live if its not enjoyable to some extent? Why not grow? Why not laugh? Enough of the dualistic thought that leads to comparisons, which leads to depression, because nothing is ever good enough. Regardless of wealth, fame, or any other bullshit society says trumps life and living, let’s have some fucking fun hahaha.