Dharma Daze #9: 12/2/21
Who taught me to see relationships as transactions?
Sometimes I don't like to ask, because I know you'll say yes. And even though you do it out of the goodness of your heart, I’m still working on the part of me that feels this means I owe you something. Something idk if i’m ready to give just yet.
My inner being, in regards to all relationships, friend or romantic, keeps a silent, irrational tally about what I owe or what I feel I deserve. I know it's the wrong way to think, but there’s a part of me that’s scared to receive favors, gifts, etc. because I don't know if I'm worthy of them. Idk if I’ll come through for you and justify you giving to me. Being a source of disappointment scares me.