How To Be A Leader
Thoughts on effective leadership
I listened to a podcast where former NBA players talk bad coaches, and the negative effect on players’ confidence and the locker room.
It resonated since I coach and play sports. My takeaway was you can’t be a good coach if you belittle your players and undermine their self belief. You don’t want a contentious relationship because their best performances require self trust.
It’s wild many wanna be “leaders”, whether parents, coaches, bosses, etc. see no problem with tearing apart those they are meant to lead. Sly remarks, sarcasm, and dismissive comments are common “tactics” “leaders” use to try and make people perform. But it never works. Even if it appears to.
What is short term success if not sustainable? It has nothing to do with honesty because honesty doesn’t imply brutality. Being honest and being an asshole aren’t fused together by the laws of nature.
The dearth of effective leadership I’ve seen at every stage and in every area of my life, signifies something rotten within our society from business to sports to parenting. Wherever witnessed, this lack leads to a vicious cycle of negativity, incompetence, and apathy.
The desire to break spirits is an insane way to go about leading. There’s an obsession with abusing people, in order to “toughen em up”. Where does this insanity hail from?
People want others to throw away their self respect to be part of the team/family. They provide no room for others’ intelligence, voice, or opinion. Creativity, imagination, and questions are demonized as being “disrespectful”.
The deification of authority ruins the word “leader”. People lead as if others’ human experiences aren’t worthy of acknowledgement. And people wonder why hierarchies based on abuses of power fall apart. Because collective awareness of their failures grows everyday.
There’s disdain for others’ opinions, which is due to a culture of disrespect towards children. Adults’ cancerous attitudes have metastasized into all of society. What else can result when people are products of their environment?
The shaping of someone’s worldview starts at a young age. When a child’s human experience is not respected by a parent, coach, or teacher, they normalize these attitudes. Unless lucky enough to learn better, they also participate in these poor methods of communication, whether with followers or peers.
Communication is key for leaders. Nonverbal and verbal communication needs attention and awareness. A leader contemplates how to approach others to optimize interactions. They consciously choose how to carry themselves for maximum effectiveness.
It is the respect and stoic demeanor a leader shows that builds trust and confidence in others. When a leader is frequently upset, gesticulating wildly and talking crazy, they do themselves and their team a great disservice.
In a game of sports, or the game of life, there will be ups and downs. The poor word choice and body language of a “leader”, does not exemplify the resilience necessary to navigate adverse situations. Histrionics have little to do with passion.
Context is necessary and all people have emotions, but consistent poor body language reveals emotional instability and doesn’t inspire confidence. A leader should be process oriented, observing the present calmly, figuring out how to make choices for their team’s benefit. There’s a difference between being animated and being dramatic, and people must understand which attitude their leader embodies.
We don’t control sports, we don’t control life. The power of our attention cannot be understated. Demeanor says everything about who you are and what you’re focused on. If you repeatedly become visibly upset at mistakes, you will kill your team’s confidence and they’ll become a shell of themselves. They’ll be afraid of making mistakes because they know it will upset their leader.
You should help your team realize not to stress about perceived problems, because life guarantees them. See them as opportunities to improve creative problem solving, to strengthen your resolve, to reaffirm faith by doing your best to overcome. You show and tell your team how to embrace the human experience.
Part of our human experience is navigating dissatisfaction. We are not unfeeling robots. A leader tells their team its okay to be human and to embrace everything that means. We must honor these emotions so we can return to the miracle of life that is the present moment. We cannot let dissatisfaction keep us in the past. Life moves on even if we are stuck in despair. Life consists of new present moments we deserve to give our attention.
It is by giving everything in the present you become truly alive. Are you completely focused on the task at hand? That’s where fun and flow comes from. We value the present because it’s the only place life occurs. There’s no need to worry, only to give all of yourself to the process you’ve decided is best, trusting that process to lead you where you’re supposed to be.
We can’t guarantee future results. But we can guarantee our efforts. We don’t worry about mistakes, believing we’ll notice unbeneficial consequences to our actions and will do everything in our power to adjust.
This is the mindset a leader embodies and inspires in others. Actions speak louder than words and people can witness calm. That’s true confidence. The leader should be confident no matter what, because they understand what’s outside their control. No matter what happens, they understand their decisions matter, so they never give up on making them. That’s resilience.
Whether coaching or parenting, all forms of leadership requires balance. Without balance, you will lack the feel necessary to guide others. Your ups and downs will become the ups and downs of others. Your lack of stability will inspire a lack of stability. Your dramatics will lead to drama in the minds of your team.
Clearly, nothing will ever be perfect. Even your idea of perfection is one of many, based on your perspective and human experiences. You work towards “perfection”, whatever that means to you, with the knowledge it will never occur. Therefore, there is never reason to be overly frustrated while leading.
You address the reality of the present moment, no matter how far it is from your ideal. Your responsibility is to your team and guiding them to understand why certain decisions at certain times benefit the team and them, given they are part of the team. You teach them how to help the team win. And you do this with a calm that inspires confidence, not with venom that tears a player down, making them doubt themselves. Given the doubt most humans experience, there’s no need to add to it.
We don’t have many leaders like this. Many of those in charge wear their fragile ego on their sleeves. They posture and act confident but allow their fear of failure to become self abuse. They judge themselves constantly, giving them no choice but to do so to others.
Unhealthy people end up having authority, giving society little idea of true leadership. Most confuse leadership with repeated abuses of power.
Most don’t understand that a leader is there to support their followers, as well as be supported by them. You are there to guide them, empower them, and to fall on the sword when necessary. But you must always hold them accountable. You protect them, but you do not coddle them.
By empowering them, you’re letting them know their choices have consequences. You make them aware they can’t run from making decisions. That’s not how sports or life works.
Even so, you build their confidence so they are unafraid of making decisions. You share perspective on how their best effort to make beneficial decisions is perfection. So they should remain confident no matter the results. Results are solely a building block towards further growth.
Leadership is an exercise in humility. Swallowing your own ego so you can be there for others, propping them up wherever necessary, bridging gaps as best you can. Having a desire to understand your team, so you listen carefully.
If you show a willingness to learn from them, your team will be more receptive to your leadership. Empower them and communicate with respect and you will set a great foundation for your team, your family, or your business.