I Am Tired

One take, no edits... Like Prince. Rest in Power.

People will know you are going through something… Say nothing. They will know you are struggling. Do or say nothing. No encouragement. No reaching out. No nothing.

Is it the ego which makes me skeptical of people? Of so called friends and family? Am I not showing enough empathy? Because we all have issues. We all have problems. We are all navigating the difficulties of this life. Yet… how cold so many people are. How disconnected we are. Is this a choice? Or the result of society’s indoctrinations? The isolation we have normalized? The fear, the guilt, the tunnel vision presented as having a human experience?

My frustration grows. I hear people speak, realize they have no true understanding of what they discuss. I hear myself judge these people and become disgusted. What is the difference between judging and knowing? To believe I know, does that make me arrogant? Does that mean I’m the one who’s in the wrong?

I can’t help but feel… jaded. Not empty, but unfulfilled. Am I lonely? Crying out for attention? Arrogantly dividing myself from a joyful, divine human experience because I’m still judging my life against how well known I am? How many people come to me for advice? How many people recognize my supposed “genius”?

I’m growing sick. I can’t even be selfish honestly. I second guess my contributions. Second guess whether I’ll ever be in position to contribute on the scale I know I can. Then feel stupid for judging my impact based on scales and numbers, rather than the personal feelings I cultivate inside myself.

Maybe I feel these things are different, when they’re not. Maybe I too am ravaged by the exact type of dualistic, man made logic I seek to escape from. Maybe the issue is I seek to escape, rather than understand and incorporate.

I feel antsy. I see how White Supremacy runs the US and the world. Destroying it from the inside out. I see people talking about how this isn’t their America, and as an informed black person, feel its a slap in the face. But of course, ignorance isn’t something I should take personal. I more so take personal the lack of knowledge which causes failure in the present. A lack of understanding about what the issues are, because the true issues have been swept under the rug or ignored for so long.

People sitting in their offices, building wealth for corporations who see human lives as numbers on a spreadsheet. Academics sitting around, using flowery language to describe states they’ve never experienced. Drowning in second hand knowledge which ignores the marginalized communities who have never known nothing but suffering, oppression, and a lack of care.

I grow tired of listening. Am I growing arrogant? Tired of learning, reading, holding space for others. I feel unrecognized, by friends, by family, by society… and know this makes me so similar to many others today. Sigh…

Knowing my calling is to just cook, why won’t I let myself cook? Why won’t I let myself see life as my kitchen, without feeling like I’m being selfish? Or failing in some way?

There’s this frustration growing… I know it will give way to a breakthrough. To an increased sense of peace within. That the scrolling, the emails, the reaching out, the this, the that…. it’ll all make sense at some point. But I’m tired of information. Tired of words. I’m tired of writing. I’m tired of being smart.

I know being smart and writing has done a great deal for me. At the same time, what has it really done? What has it really brought me? I’ve been smart since I was young. Right now, objectively speaking, I’m possibly one of the smartest people on the planet. And for what? Loneliness? Abandonment? Being othered by society? Feeling crazy by watching this society fall apart, as it was always destined to? And seeing people confused by this? And knowing this is arrogance, because I have not always known what I know. I have not always believed what I believe. I have not always felt what I feel.

I grow tired of words. So… so tired of the illusion they can do anything. Supposedly they can do everything. But there’s something more required than words. Obviously.

All in all, this is just me venting. Just me getting my shit off haha. Overall I’m doing very well. Somewhere to stay, food to eat… People who care for me. Is it a lack of humility causing dissatisfaction or actually humbly recognizing my talent for what it truly is that causes dissatisfaction? Honestly, I’m just giving too many fucks right now haha. I’m releasing these ideas that are limiting my Art of Living. Where I should be, what I should be doing, why I should be scared, why I am not doing enough, why people are judging me…. So many misunderstandings of life built from the ego’s perspective.

I’ve been thinking lately about what it means to die with dignity. We don’t know when we are going to go, so what does it mean to go with dignity? It would mean to be at peace right? Which would mean to be relaxed right? Which would mean to surrender to Life and accept we’re not in control right? Which means to be content with whatever is going on in the present moment right?

So these must be childhood habits rearing their ugly head in my nervous system. The feeling of not being enough. Because I was told by adults in my life, parents, teachers, coaches, that I wasn’t enough. That my worth was based on what they told me. What they approved of. State sanctioned behavior.

Sigh… Lmao. Just sigh. All these feelings are hilarious to me. Because as they appear, I see through them. Know they’re illusions. Know they’re figuring themselves out. Yet, I still feel them. I still let words weigh on me, knowing they mean nothing. That it is the energy behind these words which make them mean anything.

I think I just gotta stop giving so many fucks to be honest! And to stop thinking that people are clocking me, or care about what I’m doing. And that people should be caring about what I’m doing or what I have to say! We all have complicated lives we are trying to lead. My lack of focus on my own means I’m leaking energy. And of course that leaked energy will distract me from appreciation. From gratitude and the joy I should feel at leading such a blessed life.

Free February coming up. Joy as resistance. And I’m trying to build it.