Thanks To Me. Thanks To You.
Navigating this life shit. Remembering the wisdom of those who came before. Who provided an example, not just empty words.
Italicized words were added after the initial writing. They add context and clarity to the original piece.
2/15
Where did I get this sense of entitlement from? Like people are supposed to do exactly what I want them to, when I want them to, otherwise I react negatively. And I’m not talking about a visible temper tantrum, but a reaction, large or small, is still a reaction. It’s a thought or action happening without thought. So it’s important to be aware that when I react negatively, I view life negatively automatically. This is what a reaction is, an automatic behavior given a particular stimulus. Our reactions give us deep insight into ourselves and how we unconsciously interpret our lives.
I’m glad to have noticed this reaction from myself. Like I was really getting upset over the fact that people are able to do what they see fit. And my agreement, or lack thereof, doesn’t have to affect my level of contentment with life. It doesn’t have to affect my ability to be happy, but it will if I allow it to.
I’m in a place where I’m searching for a foundation for my life, which makes me more sensitive to not getting what I think I deserve. *
2/16
I’m so glad I was able to notice how my thoughts and mindset created suffering for me last night. The deep rooted emotions in my subconscious surfaced as distress when presented with what I saw as a trigger. I want to continue on this path of realization and presence.
I feel like Grandpa sent me a message when I saw someone wearing the same Braves jacket he had given me in the past. “If i was doing any better I couldn’t stand it!” One of his famous quotes that he kept at the ready. Just from the fact we’re alive. Thanks for the massage grandpa. I hear you. To focus on doing the right thing, no matter what anyone else does. To smile often and wide, to give the youth what they need to grow. To be grateful and appreciate life, to count my blessings.
I remember the phone convo when grandpa told me he believed in me. I shed tears that day. How could he believe in me? The black sheep of the family? The one who wasted his potential? According to some judgmental folks I share blood with, but don’t know if I consider family. But he believed. Yet he had faith. He’s not going to be here to see how I change the world by how I change myself. But he’s here. He’s watching me, he’s within me. I love you Grandpa.
I wish you were here for 1 more phone convo, 1 more errand run, 1 more piece of meat and bread. Thank you for loving me. I’m okay. Life is okay. Really it’s beautiful. I’m working to always remember that. That life itself is worth cherishing everyday.
Sometimes I feel like a leaf in the wind, disconnected from the tree that gives me stability. Every time I settle on the ground, another gust comes and sends me this way or that. But the difference between me and the leaf is my desire, my attachment to being secured by something outside of myself. Meanwhile the leaf thinks nothing of flying around, because such is its life. Why create suffering by thinking things are supposed to be different?
How can we say we’re not supposed to be where we’re at? If we weren’t supposed to be here, we would be somewhere else!
Do you have the faith to believe the truth of your present moment? Do you have the courage to realize the power of your choices? Of taking that 1st step, then taking another, not worried about where you end up, only on that 1 step. Focusing on that step over and over. 1 step at a time. That’s all a journey requires. And life is a journey, lest we forget that fact.
Knowing where you’re at is the only way to know what steps to take. So everything in life worth thinking about exists in the here and now. It exists in how you relate to yourself and direct your steps. We must understand we always have a choice, no matter the present moment. It’s easy to forget when you’re in a state of reactivity, a state of having no emotional boundaries.
*- 2/20
The search for meaning arrests our progress. It’s a search that will never end because it’s rooted in ignorance. Everything has meaning. Every part of life from the smallest detail to the largest, it all has meaning. If we can accept this, then we can stop wasting our time and energy searching for what’s already there.