The Search For Real Life.
How the desire for outside validation destroys human lives.
Building off and his article on seeking permission
Why do I seek permission to be alive? Why do I limit my freedom by seeking the approval of others? Am I addicted to outside validation? Do I seek validation because the pleasure of acknowledgement? Or is it fear of not being acknowledged?
The Fear of Freedom
Most unbeneficial beliefs are founded in fear. My ego becomes hyperreactive in the presence of others. I’m constantly judging myself, desiring to do the impossible and see myself through other’s eyes. Do I look attractive? Do I sound smart? By being attached to outside validation, I seek permission to exist.
But what can I expect, when life has been molded by a society that frowns upon originality. Where life revolves around seeking permission, satisfying gatekeepers so they can “allow” you success. From birth, we are rarely provided freedom to relax and listen to our instincts. There is always a gatekeeper, whether it be a parent, teacher, or friend. We mistakenly believe they have the power to grant us permission to have our human experience.
Maybe parents and teachers do have this power, unknowingly abusing it out of their own fear and ignorance. They too were raised to seek permission and bow down to society’s hierarchies. Taught to exercise power over those they see as weaker, those they see as needing help, or those with “less” permission to make decisions. Hierarchies based on age, color, sex, height, what school you went to, who you know, etc.
The Danger of Artificial Hierarchies
These unnatural hierarchies throttle society’s advancement. For example, while experience is important, experience isn’t directly proportional to ability. Without these gates and their keepers in place, natural hierarchies would form. Those with experience should understand they are simply at a different place in their journey and seek to help. Most people don’t try to help, even if that’s ultimately what they want (or say they want). They seek to dominate the actions of others who they deem as lower on the totem pole. They’ve been taught to seek the approval of gatekeepers and therefore relish the opportunity to be one.
For many, relish might be too strong of a word. Unnatural hierarchies are normalized, so many don’t think there are other options. They see gatekeeping as a responsibility. Even those with pure intentions lack a healthy framework to approach the world. Some want to dominate, while others see it as a duty dictated by society’s construction.
Honey, Stop Numbing the Kids
Does reinforcement of conformity from an early age make people fear freedom? Because freedom is a responsibility, one where you must choose your own direction. If you only consider your decisions to be “correct” if validated by others, the removal of these arbitrary guidelines could make those in restrictive societies feel lost. They have never been allowed to do what feels right. They’ve always been told what was right for them. The muscle of self knowledge, self esteem, and intuition has been severely weakened. Society numbs them and throttles their ability to feel their way forward. They never realize their power to co-create their reality alongside the universe.
Of course, most people don’t believe in their ability to co-create. They believe life is a storm and you get blown about like a rag doll, powerless against the random occurrences of nature. So they do not seek freedom nor creativity, because they do not believe they exist.
Is moving through gates apparently approved by society, a fear response? One born from punishments placed on childhood expressions of freedom? With many kids not having creative outlets, and poor parenting exacerbating behavioral issues, does the innate human desire to be free show up as “being bad”? AKA, not conforming to the whims of those who see you as below them in the societal hierarchy.
How We Personally Create Gatekeepers
It’s interesting how people create gatekeepers in their mind, giving people power they don’t deserve and frankly, many don’t want. You might go through your parents’ gates for safety reasons. Unfortunately, many children cannot be safe without falling in line with their caregivers’ hierarchies. But seeing friends, or even strangers, as having the key to your confidence is a wild concept. We are so attached to outside validation that we will create situations to possibly receive it, then look down on ourselves if we don’t. All because WE have made it a requirement for our happiness.
How We Personally Destroy Gatekeepers
Ultimately this is great news. Once you realize YOU are the one giving others power, you can stop. You might not stop immediately, given the habit is engrained due to constant reinforcement since birth, but the choice remains. Maybe, it is as simple as a personal decision to stop. Habit breaking differs from person to person. Some people do it faster than others, so direct comparisons are unreasonable.
You think others are in charge of your happiness, confidence, and self esteem, but you’re the one putting them in charge. You’re the one in charge. You’re giving them permission to gate keep, and when aware, you can take that permission away. To eliminate the attachment to outside validation is to choose freedom. Freedom is a requirement for choosing peace and harmony within.
Should we even seek permission from ourselves? It depends. Is it YOU granting permission or the gatekeepers buried in your subconscious mind? The ones who constantly police all your decisions? Even when dealing with thoughts alone, we are controlled by gatekeepers.
Ideas Are the Ultimate Gatekeepers
Ultimately, we are controlled by ideas. We seek to make them true through decisions that fit within the idea’s predetermined framework. Because we are caught by these ideas, they compose what we see as truth, what we see as reality. We make decisions that fit within that reality, because conforming to others’ ideas gives this unnatural society structure. We are indoctrinated into imitating the outer environment by internally structuring ourselves around these ideas.
The Bodymind Mirror
It always amazes me how the mind mirrors the body and vice versa. We conform to the mental structures of society, seeking stability and safety, but end up hurt and off balance. We also conform to society’s physical structures. This leads to lack of freedom of movement, this time in the body rather than the mind. We sit down too much and don’t move our muscles through their full range of motion, so they become rigid in the pursuit of (faux) stability. Our muscles and bones become immobile, leading to our pain and eventual injury.
Our indoctrination into what society deems “normal”, arrests our development mentally and physically. These unnatural mental and physical barriers leave us unable to think or move past predetermined limits. Limits society places on us and we unknowingly place on ourselves. We believe in society’s choices more than our own. We assume society must be correct in its formation. Given most people have little practice making their own decisions and seem to witness everyone else falling in line.
Arrested Development of the Human Spirit
Ironic, because most people feel uneasy at the callousness of our society. A society that reduces human lives to numbers on a spreadsheet. But since childhood, fear is used to mold the mind and arrests human development, mentally and physically. You think how you’ve been allowed to think and move how you’ve been allowed to move, until you become a conscious actor vs unconscious reactor. Only then can you stop seeking permission//outside validation. But will you?